I berate myself many times that i cannot compartmentalise my thoughts and multi task and because of this i kinda feel cacat while working. my brain doesnt seem to function as fast as everybody else and it doesnt also seem to have a switch button in it. I can't do thing A and formulate thing B at the back of my head. When i know that A is still pending and time is short and i'm asked to do B, i become very kelam-kabut although in the end, its probably no big deal.
Want to go to Haadyai for a mission trip in December, its a 12 day thing and should i decide to go for the duration, i would need to take all my leave even before my one year of service is up! But to go for half-half is potong stim. Yet the rational self says that difficulties adjusting in one week is not as bad as 2 weeks, where i can't run to moderate comfort if i really can't take it. Yea, despite how i think i'm able to adjust, adapt and be independent, somehow the surroundings especially unknown is the biggest worry i have about the trip. Of course, assuming I do make it, it is my maiden mission trip. Usually I pass the mission news in the bulletin, but somehow i looked at this bulletin numerous times since it came out. It could be something there, I really don't know. I wanna talk (more like write) to someone, just to allay my insecurities and get practical advice. Right now, I'm waiting for the co-ordinator to get back to me as he is rather busy now. And there's time till 30 Nov to decide. My heart longs to go, but the will of God is stronger i feel, if Father knows that it is not the right time, i will accept it. On the other hand, i know and believe that god won't turn away a willing heart? but he will make things happen in HIS time.
THANK YOU is a phrase that bears much meaning, its the gratitude and appreciation, the humbling knowledge that, despite myself there is ONE who thinks that I am able of more because HE does no wrong in creating any being. There is never enough things to thank god for, from the little things that i neglect to the great things where i need his presence and love even more. Most of all is the grace and mercy HIS heart finds to forgive me of the horrendous things that i think and do, things that i'm conciously aware its wrong yet do, also the things that i do not see which may have hurt HIM. I need to have the grace to forgive people who have unconciously hurt me, when surely they do not know for i never voiced it. Jeez, feeling so emo today for no reason, PMS can really make one at a loss. Emotions are such a tricky element, would i be less hurt if i wasn't on the cycle?
Sometimes, all i need is appreciation, a simple TQ and I don't expect any things. I admit that i've said that no need so overly 'hak hei' but sometimes i just need and want to hear it, i'm sorry for being fickle. I know they wouldn't be affected if i don't do it, but i just intend to at least help. I'd rather they tell me that i'm very 'fan' and its out of obligation and not wasting that they take it.
I'm tired of telling YOU that its time to talk and listen to YOU because i cant never keep to my promises. if i make promises just to break them, pointless it is. still have not found the kind of joy, peace that people talk about in spending time with YOU. perhaps i'm just not trying hard enough or i never had the intention to begin with. fully trust/ surrender is something that is super hard to do. there were very few instances that i actually could let go of all and let god have HIS way. Oh, my faithlessnesss is higher than the mountains & deeper than the sea (probably)
Whatever la, perhaps its not good to wallow in emotions anyway, need to focus on work.
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